Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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