areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
