I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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