There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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