I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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