i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There's always time for handjobs
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
