Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
