you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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