based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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