I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize