I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
how does that bad decision feel?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
