I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
