I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no, he came in my armpit
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
