I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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