I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
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It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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