I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
