return my video game
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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