i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize