R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
A+ Viking dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
