I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
