I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
