I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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