Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
