My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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