you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
