im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
