my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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