***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
