how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
