First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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