He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
