I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
being pregnant is like rehab
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
