Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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