You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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