my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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