can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose