Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
