he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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