ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
