a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
