I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
