happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
