the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
