I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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