I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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