and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
