i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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