She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
