this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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