My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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