Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
