well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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