Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
