i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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